STOP BREATHING IMMEDIATELY!!
The E.P.A. has just issued a formal decree that carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide, hydroflourocarbon, perflourocarbons, and sulfur hexaflouride “pose threat to public health, welfare.”
That’s right folks, your breathing is killing the planet! Stop it immediately! Those of you who are athletic and active pose an even greater threat as you tend to respirate at greater volumes and frequency than everyone else. DHS will soon release a new report that YOU are the new domestic terrorist threat. My advice is to stop exercising immediately.
This is the “intelligence” of the Obama administration. Carbon dioxide, which is produced NATURALLY by all humans and animals and plants, pollutes the environment. Now, I get it that they are trying to target the carbon dioxide that is the bi-product of the combustion of fossil fuels as well.
Do you know who the largest polluter is as it relates to carbon dioxide? No, not Al Gore although he is full of mostly hot air and CO2. Volcanoes and geysers! Places like Hawaii, Alaska, Yellowstone National Park and Tierra Del Fuego in South America are the LARGEST polluters in the world for CO2 emissions. How can country in good conscious allow places like Yellowstone to be protected by the government when it is so quickly killing you and me?! It’s an outrage. Yellowstone should be shut down, evacuated, removed the protected list and immediately destroyed with nukes! I suggest we build a large cork immediately to end this travesty of nature. We simply cannot allow our kids to continue dying by allowing volcanoes and geysers to go around polluting the atmosphere without consequence. Who will pay the Obama administration’s tax burden if these kids are serially whacked by the environment day in and day out?! In unconscionable.
Next on the bad boy list is methane. You’re not going to believe this, but did you know that methane is also naturally released into the atmosphere? As glacial bogs freeze and melt, they release the gas into the atmosphere. The evil man-made invention – the cow – is also largely responsible. And, um, rrrrrrrrip, I just released a little methane myself! Not only do you release methane each time you finish digesting mimaws delicious refried beans and fajitas, but you also release *gasp* MORE carbon dioxide and even hydrogen. That would explain how the smell gets up to your nose so quickly! And it gets worse. The longer you hold your farts in, the more of these gasses you release. So, save the environment and fart as needed instead of waiting until you get into your car or back home. The environment thanks you for it.
All this – and the fact that I’m an extremist right wing combat veteran – is a great example of a government that has lost touch with reality. Science is replaced with politics. I’d go into it further, but I’m under investigation by the Inspector General as a military blogger. I started writing this before I received the official letter with a list of allegations against me. So, I’m going to leave it here for now. I’d hate to have “inciting widespread greenhouse gas revolutions” to the list of charges against me. For now, I will retreat into my shell and prepare for the coming storm.
Posted on April 19th, 2009 by CJ
Filed under: Uncategorized
Dear person who filed charges against CJ:
RRRRRRRRRRRIIIPPPP
There. I feel better now. Been holding it in a long time so you could get the full effect.
Sincerely,
another right wing extremist
I heard that holding your farts in is what causes sh!tty attitudes.
Never fear! Soon we will be able to sue people for illnesses perceived to come from global warming. The gubmint is watching out for us all. Bwahahahahaha!
I am just fed up with all this crap that the government is imposing on all of us when they don’t have any scientific proof that farts cause health hazards! Lets see them quit and you talk about a health hazard! LoL ! Thanks for the laugh, CJ !!
25 years ago, while I was on USAF active duty, the custom had taken hold of having T-shirts printed up to wear to special military occasions, such as Squadron picnics, parties, etc.
Some of the shirts got mildly political, so the B/Gen who ran the Air Division I was attached to, 40th AD, Strategic Air Command, issued an order that no more political shirts would be worn by USAF personnel under his command.
This led me to have a shirt made which said (only): “Approved: 40 AD C/C”
I wore it once, and was not at the Squadron party 20 minutes when I was ordered to go to my quarters and change it.
It seemed that the 40 AD C/C wanted to issue those sort of orders, but didn’t want to have them publicized.
Now I see that the USAF “encourages bloggers”. Hmmm, I can’t wait to see what form of “encouragement” THAT might be. Probably something on the order of denial of re-enlistment, or a few hours of extra duty for mild cases.
Good luck in your fray with the IG. If you need any help from the outside, give me a shout. I know a few milbloggers who will support you.
BTW, CJ…
Tell the IG for me that when they start taking seriously the harassment that a minor has had to go through, for being touched by a married soldier, then they can gripe about what is said on a blog. Until then…they cannot pick and choose and think they are taken seriously or respected. If you need any help, put it up here…I’m good at writing, and I know who to go to.
Its like my Grandma said when I filed a complaint against my company, the IG is really there for the Company and the Government.
CJ, thanks for the giggles! Your article reminds me of the little ditty I heard on the news probably about 30 years ago that has always stuck in the back of my head. The report said that a cow burps enough to heat a small house for an entire year. Now if the Obama admin is so worried about all these gases, why arent they trying to harness the burps and farts to use as a perpetual source of free energy so we can become less dependent on foreign oil and perhaps grow our economy out of the ridiculous debt that the almighty one has saddled us with????
And I too will add my support to your challenge as you need it. You know I’m here CJ. What ever you need.
Here’s a middle-of-the-road Liberal supporting CJ’s “gas” fund.
NY-David
No more Taco Bell for CJ!!!!!!!!
It must be that CO2 killing aliens so they found the way to kill the oxygen, when they kill us all then they can live long ever after…UPS!…one small problem…without right combination of oxygen and CO2 there is no atmosphere…what now!